we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
