You're earring is so big in my mouth
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
