the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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