I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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