Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
im on a boat
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