my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I met the friendliest cop last night
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
