I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
