Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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