You smell like a Billy Joel song
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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