By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
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HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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