There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
