There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
