We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
