Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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