How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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