HIV tests are more positive than that guy
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
