When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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