Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
