Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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