Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
