So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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