I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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