Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
