She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
