It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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