I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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