I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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