I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
