if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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