the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
