woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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