Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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