Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
