i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
