You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
