I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
