I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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