Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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