Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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