I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
