You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
