Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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