someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
