Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
