She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
