Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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