If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
