hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Vodka?
Forever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Drunk is not a location!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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