It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
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I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird