my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
