im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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