I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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