I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
