Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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