i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
