He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just found a bag of teeth...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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