That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
