just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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