i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
