my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
