I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
did i walk over a car last night?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
