I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
my liver is dry heaving
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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