So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
